How many of you have considered taking intentional time to discover yourself? I believe that a vast majority of our insecurities and self-doubt are rooted in a lack of self-knowledge. Would you agree?
I know for myself this was an area that I focused deeply on as a part of self-development. Too often, I came across relationships where others felt comfortable “defining” me. Statements such as, “Oh Rodas, you’re A, B, and C. I know you.” These encounters often left me defenseless, especially when those descriptions conflicted with my conviction around who I truly felt I was. But I was not rooted in myself, so I fell prey to their labels.
And if I had to be honest, I’d walk away feeling even more insecure about myself.
Who was Rodas? What does she stand for? What does she believe?
All of these became central questions as I delved into self-development as a part of healing and integrating my identity. This work completely transformed my life. As I continued honing in on who I actually was by shedding layers of false labels, I found myself walking with confidence and empowerment.
So let’s talk about it. Who are you to you?
Unbecoming to Becoming: The Reality of Healing
Many people may disregard this work and consider it pointless, but I would have to disagree. Not knowing yourself is the breeding ground for abuse. It’s often in this space that many people find themselves in codependent and narcissistic relationships. They have not yet developed a sense of self rooted in values, beliefs, and standards that ground them. So instead, they often look for validation as a source of affirmation, which is where things begin to get toxic.
And it is not a conscious decision — it’s a default.
I once read that if you create your home in someone else, you’ll be left with nothing when they leave.
How many of you agree?
If you’re with me, I believe that in the space of solitude, you can dig deep to unravel just who you are. This is done in various ways, which will be discussed in this post, but for now, follow me to the end.
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When I started this work, I had a built-in idea of the woman I wanted to become. I knew I wanted to be confident, empowered, healed, grounded, strong, peaceful, gentle, and so on.
Around the time that I began to delve into my identity work, I carefully assessed my environment. I was about 23 years old and still connected to the perpetrators who inflicted trauma and pain. So as I worked to align myself with the woman I was becoming, I created boundaries in order to insulate the growth that would take place.
I even examined the evolution of plants. They need light, water, soil, air, minerals, proper temperature, and space to grow. In the same respect, I too needed the proper sources and resources to grow.
So I started off with prayers. Lots of them.
I invited the Holy Spirit to do a reset in my soul in order to unleash the power that lived within because at that time, I felt completely powerless. I felt worthless because I was treated as such. My mind and heart wrestled with the truth my spirit knew.
So I began to lean more on the spirit that whispered, “You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are God’s child.”
Soon enough, I began to invest into that spirit because at that point in time, that was the only thing confirming that I was loved. This was when healing began for me.
I moved into healing the false labels I made agreements with. I learned that a lot of it was others projecting their insecurities onto me. These experiences, along with my traumas, did not highlight me in the best light. And though I took accountability for those experiences, I also learned not to allow them to define me.
I had to separate the fact that those were my experiences, not my identity.
In this process, I learned that true healing starts with self-compassion, so I began extending grace and self-forgiveness to myself. This immediately unlocked a deeper level of self-love. I felt seen.
And slowly but surely, I began to heal my self-perception.
Then the most beautiful thing happened: I learned that I was always the woman I looked up to. She just lived inside, where digging needed to take place.
It was a sacred transition, and it still stands as one of the most transformative experiences of my life.
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Healing Your Identity: How to Get Started
I think deep down inside, we all know just who we are. My belief is that our environments simply do not highlight the best in us. Would you agree?
For example, we could be connected to relationships that draw anxiousness and insecurities out of us because we do not feel safe.
So I believe the first step is creating a safe and soothing environment. That may mean releasing toxic relationships or, at the very least, creating boundaries that safeguard you from those toxins.
When it comes to boundaries, I think it’s important to note that you are not putting boundaries on other people because it is less about them and more about you. It’s about limiting your exposure to those who are harmful to you.
I think having this perspective makes it easier to set boundaries. It becomes less about controlling others and more about holding yourself accountable to your boundaries by communicating what you can and cannot accept.
The second step is to give yourself time to process every event that reveals vulnerabilities or strengths. This will truly reveal who you are under pressure.
Start reflecting on questions such as:
“How did I feel in this experience?”
“How did I react?”
Dig deep at the soul level to uncover who you were and what your thought process was during those events.
And if you feel shame or guilt during this process because your reaction or response in a certain circumstance didn’t align with your true character, it’s okay. Honestly, I think the majority of us can relate. I know I can.
What helped me was extending grace and self-forgiveness to myself.
I know this might sound extra to some people, but I typically like writing forgiveness letters to myself. When it is intentionally thought out like this, I’ve noticed that it releases me from the shame of “should.”
Try that out. You might find that it helps bring closure internally.
Let’s say you’re stuck in a situation where you feel like you should have done better. Remember, if you do not know better, you cannot do better. And if you knew better but still didn’t do better, that’s okay too. Some things take repetition and practice before they integrate into our character.
So… grace.
In any given situation, it’s important to understand that we are humans who are becoming, which means we have to go through all four seasons just like the plant I mentioned earlier. It needs to go through the sprouting season just as much as the falling season.
So that brings me to my last point: shedding.
This process is the complete evolution of the metamorphosis.
This is the process where you begin releasing yourself from your expired self-definition. You learn that you were operating in various ways as a form of survival, not necessarily from a relaxed nervous system. It was truly not you.
So you honor that.
You empathize with that.
But ultimately, you shed that version to make space for a more elevated version of yourself to form.
This shedding process can be done through healing letters, where you console yourself and ultimately bring closure. Some people like to burn these letters as a symbol of release, while others hold onto them.
Personally, I like doing spring cleaning. I get rid of anything that doesn’t align with who I have become. That may look like getting rid of certain clothes, shoes, or items that hold old memories. I personally like taking extreme measures to invite in a new season.
But I do want to give a disclaimer: this healing process can be very emotional, so create emotional safety within the comfort of your home.
I would highly recommend professional support such as a counselor or therapist to guide you through the process when the work gets heavy. You do not have to do it alone.
A Full Circle Moment: In Closing
If you have made it to the end, I would first like to applaud you for your courage in seeking out knowledge. You are one step closer to the work.
And if you’ve already begun implementing the tools listed, you should celebrate that win. Every step taken in this journey of self-development deserves to be acknowledged because this work is not for the faint of heart.
So if you haven’t heard it yet, you are a true testament to what inspiring looks like.
Keep doing it.
Keep evolving.
Keep learning — about yourself and your inner world.
It will thank you later.
